A VOW IS A VOW IS A VOW
You probably have heard the Hebrew expression bli neder בלי נדר, common in Israel and among Jews on both sides of the Atlantic. Bli neder literally means “without vowing”. It is added to any causal promise to avoid it being taken as an absolute undertaking. “Bli neder, I’ll have the schedule posted by Friday.” “I will be on security this Sunday, bli neder.”
In Jewish law, a vow has serious consequences. Qualifying a commitment to perform a certain action with the term bli neder exempts the speaker from violating a vow if he does not fulfil his commitment.” “Without a vow” is a very Jewish way to say “I will do it.”
The origin of the expression בלי נדר is in this week’s Torah portion, [ Number 30:2 ]: “if a householder makes a vow [neder] to the Almighty imposing an obligation on himself, he […] must carry out all that has crossed his lips.”
And if he does not, he incurs the Divine punishment.
The text itself, let me be clear, is problematic. The following verses deal with vows pronounced by women and the power of men to nullify them. Not really egalitarian stuff.
But even without the patriarchal implications, vows are a highly complex subject. A vow is a serious promise taken in front of God. If you don’t keep it, God will punish you and, as the Torah reading says, your family too. The Divine punishment for this transgression is a severe thing. Don’t mess with God! Actually, vows are so serious that we open Yom Kippur nonetheless asking forgiveness -of all things- for the time we did not keep our vows, our nedarim. A lesson in Hebrew: Kol Nidre means “all (our) vows.”
By taking a vow, a neder, an obligation in front of God, we add an extra duty, an extra mitzvah, another religious obligation, to the many we already have. There are plenty of commandments in Judaism. We are taught that in the Torah, there are 613 commandments -many of them are not for the time we live in; plus, it’s unclear which verse is a commandment and which is not. Jewish religious life is full of obligations and duties. Things that God expects from us. Who can be so crazy to add another one?
There is also a theological problem. God forbids us several things. When we take a vow, we add an extra prohibition. How dare we? Isn’t it arrogant on our side? By taking a vow, we put ourselves on the same level as God. I have found the most accurate description of this problem in the Tallel haHaiim, a commentary popular in the religious Zionist community. A Jew who takes a vow, who, for example, commits in front of God not to drink alcohol anymore, declares that alcohol (for example, kosher wine) is forbidden to him! God had made the wine kosher, and you human beings turn it into treif. How dare you! Turning permitted into forbidden. This is what God does. It is not something that human beings are enabled to do!
Moreover, we cannot control the future. The future is in the hands of God; we cannot replace God; we may today take a neder, a vow not to drink alcohol anymore in our life. And then guess what, one day we may find ourselves under an avalanche, and the only chance to survive is that massive rescue dog, a pure St Bernard breed, with the iconic small barrel of brandy now close to your frostbitten face.
What do you do? Do you say, “Well, thank you, Beethoven, you see, mate, I have taken a vow: no liquor, no alcoholic, never in my life. I promised God I really appreciate your effort, thank you, I’d rather have hot chocolate. Please tell your nice dog colleagues to bring me hot chocolate?”
It cannot work this way.
But vows do not have to be only negative. A vow is a commitment. It is not advisable to commit in front of God, NOT to do something for the rest of your life. But what we can do is make a commitment TO DO something.
You cannot realistically expect not to raise your voice for the rest of your life. Especially if you have teenagers and children, chances are you will break this vow one day or another. But you can commit to using your voice to say nicer things. Words of encouragement and support, for example. To your children and to your family.
It is not advisable to take an oath not to look at your smartphone, TV screen, Tablet, Kindle, the Ipad no screen, and absolute no-screen policy besides Shabbat. That would be a vow very difficult to keep. But you can commit to going to synagogue on Shabbat, just a bit more than you are used to.
Too often, we think of Judaism only as a religion of infinite bans and never-ending prohibitions. But it’s not true! There are positive mitzvot, positive commandments, and things that we are commanded to do, and they are enough to fill your life with spiritual meanings.
So I have a suggestion for you. We are during the Three Weeks, a time for introspection, during which we commemorate the sieges endured by Jerusalem throughout Jewish history. Such a period of reflection and mourning will terminate, or rather culminate, on Tisha beAv, 27 of July, this year, a week from next Wednesday. Ten days from today.
And here’s my suggestion. Think of a mitzvah, a positive action, something Jewish that you usually don’t do. Take your time — ten days. But seriously, think about it.
A Jewish action you don’t usually do. Coming to shul every Shabbat. Making a phone call to a friend you have lost contact with. Giving regularly to charity. Supporting the Scroll fund. A habit which is unusual for you, but you know it is a demand from the Jewish religion. And then do it, turn it into a practice.
I am suggesting this. To introduce a new Jewish habit in your life. That will be your vow. Your neder. Not another ban to add to your life. Something positive. Take time to think about it. Ten days till Tisha is Av. And, take this mitzvah at heart, at your heart, as your neder, as your vow.
This new Jewish habit will be your personal way to thank the Almighty for our beautiful gifts: being here, being alive, and being Jewish. For belonging to the people to which God has given not duties and bans, but many, so many opportunities to grow and to improve.
Brighton & Hove Reform Synagogue 15 July 2023 / 27 Tammuz 5783